Boredom Log: Implants, Blondes, and grabbing Balls (Mooring Balls, Ladies — Get Your Mind Outta the Gutter)

So, after Donna died and after my relationship ended with “Old Lisa,” I took the boys down to Key West in the RV for Christmas. While kayaking around Stock Island I had one of those life-clarity moments—you know, the kind you only get when you’ve got a paddle in one hand and IPA in the other. I decided to sell Donna and my dream home in Woodbine, buy a catamaran, and disappear in Key West. Done with women and looking to just be a “high-end” beach bum doing check-out dives as a divemaster and just hanging out in the sun and “wooder.” Basically, killing time until I too die. I had my career, my hot bad-ass wife, my family…more-so than many have or had… what more is there?

Since then, it’s been one obstacle after another. The MOG Antibody Disease set me back for three years, and just when I thought I was finally ready to go, life has tossed me more roadblocks. This week alone two new ones showed up: 1) diagnosed with iron deficiency and low red/white blood cell counts, and 2) my jaw wouldn’t take the post for the implant yet.

At my yearly checkup, the neurologist discovered the iron deficiency and borderline anemia. So yeah, nothing says “rugged sailor” like low red/white blood cells and an iron deficiency. I’ve got 30 days now to see specialists before I head south. Honestly, at this point I’m not sure whether I’m heading to Key West or auditioning for House, M.D.

As for the tooth… my mouth turned into a reality TV show. I had a perfectly fine tooth that cracked for no reason. Then some clown in Crownsville, one the ex used, had me get a root canal and put on a crown that looked like it was designed by Fisher-Price. After seeing another dentist, the structural problems were obvious: the 3D-printed cap job the first dentist did was a disaster. So, they ground the tooth down more, put on another crown with the warning the tooth could crack again… and it did.

At that point my dentist basically shrugged and said, “Yeah, let’s just rip it out and put in something bionic.” The plan was for an $8,000 implant. I already had the tooth removed and bone grafted a few months back to prepare for step two, installing the post today. Only the graft didn’t grow enough. So now I need to come back in January to get the post installed. January, when I’ll be down in Key West! Step three (the fake tooth) was planned for when I return in the summer, so no issue there.

And ladies, I don’t care what you’ve heard — this is the wrong kind of implant. Nobody’s swiping right for a guy bragging, “Hey, baby, I just got a molar installed.”

So even though I thought I finally had everything lined up, curveballs keep coming. After three years of dock life, aka floating retirement home, aka “the place where boats go to die,” Ohana is OFF the dock. No matter what, we are free, baby. I am headed to Key West!!! even if I have to fly back every month for medical attention. As far as I’m concerned, Ohana won’t see a dock until May. It’s like getting paroled, except instead of gang tattoos and prison shanks, I walked away with a dental implant and a mooring ball.

Birthday this year? Chill.
Lots of “Happy Birthday” wishes rolled in: My dentist remembered. My doctor remembered. Allstate remembered. Even the damn bank that financed Ohana sent a “Happy Birthday.” 😊 Nothing like warm wishes from automated mailing list and people who happily take your money every month.

Okay, and my mother and the boys remembered too. (Points for the family.)

But here’s a fun one: shout-out to one of Avi’s Angels — “the other Donna.” Avi was our VP through all those mergers and always had a beautiful admin working for him; since my Donna was around, this admin got tagged as “the other Donna.” Anyway, she and I have been catching up, and not only did she send birthday wishes, she actually tried to call in a drink order for me while I was sitting at Sailor Oyster Bar (SOB), taking myself out for cocktails, oysters, and iPad movie night.

And then the real kicker: Old Lisa also remembered! I was mid-chat with this woman from my past when she goes, “Isn’t today your birthday? Happy Birthday!” I’m constantly amazed at how women do this. Men forget birthdays, anniversaries, and half the kids they fathered. Women? Y’all remember the exact day you bought your first pair of yoga pants.

(BTW, looks like Old Lisa is going back to being just Lisa. Too long a story even for this blog!)

Now, the Annapolis Boat Show is coming up, and I’ll be all over the place like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving — hanging on Ball 22 (yes, I said ball — grow up, people). Please come by to visit. Former engineer from SoCal who worked for me, Jerome Claussen, and his family are coming to visit with me. But besides that, I’ll just be putzing around doing small boat projects to kill the time. For the powerboat show I’ll help AM/PM Marine push their Regal line right in front of The Choptank restaurant. For the sailboat show I’ll be with the Antares booth explaining why they’re the “world’s best liveaboard.” They’ll also have the Owners’ Party one of the nights, where I drink rum, tell tall tales about sailing skills, and share what we’ve done to improve our boats.

Just before the sailboat show I’ll host an event on Ohana — a 2025 Boat Show Welcome for the owners coming in and a celebration of my FINALLY leaving the Chesapeake Bay! The Antares Marketing/Sales VP plans to give a PredictWind seminar on mapping a course, using my trip to Key West as an example. I’ll also look to host another event during one of the days of the show to start up my water maker / desalinator. Yes, I’ll be making my own water for the next six months (because who doesn’t want to drink something that used to be Bay soup?).

And then… drumroll… the day after the show ends, I’m pointing the bow south. After three years of delays, more doctors than episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and getting my MOGAD under control, I’m sailing to Key West for the winter. Captain Hooks Dive Shop has me lined up as instructor/divemaster/captain. My job? Take people diving, keep tourists from touching sea turtles, and make sure nobody drowns after five margaritas at lunch.

Now, crew for the trip! My second-oldest Joe is coming along, and my old coworker Chris Schertzer is on board!! Some of you may know Chris, a long-time business “partner” of mine from the Sharplan Laser days. He was the East Coast service manager; I was the West Coast manager. Together we built the operations for what is now Lumenis by merging ESC Medical, Coherent Medical, HGM, Luxar Lasers (and probably more that I forgot). We moved the company from New Jersey to Boston, then one year later from Boston to Santa Clara, CA (mid 9/11!). We implemented ERP, CRM, and MRP systems while launching industry-changing tech — skin resurfacing, photo facials, hair removal, tattoo removal, a vet division, a dental line, holmium heart and prostate lasers, and a whole slew of other medical lasers.

So basically, we have been to hell and back together…. but we still respect Avi, our leader, who put us through it! (Probably because of the “Angels” he would hire to help us.🤪)

Back then Chris was single, and I was married to Donna, so I lived vicariously through his dating life. Every Monday morning he’d show up like, “I went out with a blonde Friday, a brunette Saturday, and a redhead Sunday,” (He ID’d them not by name but by hair color) and I’d be home in suburbia thinking, “I helped Donna with a load of laundry, mulched the flowerbeds, and fell asleep during Sesame Street.”

Now the roles are reversed. He’s married to the wonderful Anna, and I’m the one telling him about blondes, brunettes, and now unfortunately gray-haired women! (Still no redhead though — redheads are like unicorns: rare, magical, and capable of destroying your whole life in a weekend, and too fair-skinned for my lifestyle.)

Back home, the boys are good. Jake’s back living in Mt. Airy with friends. I set up tracking for them (and my mom) so they can watch Ohana online like it’s a reality show. Link to follow our journey. I also gave them access to the onboard video surveillance I installed so they can watch us and ask questions over the built-in mic on the camera. From Columbia, MD the boys will still need to mail me my meds every 90 days. Fun fact: the pharmacy sends six giant boxes. The boys open them all, toss useless plungers and packing material, and repack everything into one small box. They’re basically my unpaid Amazon warehouse staff.

So yeah, that’s my “chill” retirement life: disappearing to Key West, juggling doctors, rocking a titanium tooth, and preparing to live six months off homemade water and rum. Because life’s too short not to laugh, even if the laugh sounds like Eddie Murphy’s cackle while the dentist is installing a damn implant.