Captain of the Bubble Brigade

So, this new gig running a dive boat? Not bad at all. Getting paid to hang out on the water instead of sitting around day-drinking and hemorrhaging money? That’s a serious life upgrade.

But man… nobody tells you how heavy that captain’s hat feels until it’s on your head. As Captain, everyone reports to me — the divemasters, instructors, crew, the whole salty circus. What I say goes. (Puts me back in the Director’s chair — except this time, if I screw up, people don’t just get fired… they drown.)

I’ve gotta make the weather calls — decide whether it’s safe for scuba divers or if I can send out the snorkel herd. And when the forecast looks sketchy, I’m the bad guy canceling a trip people flew thousands of miles for. Nothing says “fun job” like crushing someone’s dream vacation before breakfast.

Other days, I’ve gotta suck it up and go out anyway — knowing it’s gonna be rough but doable. Kinda like a bad Tinder date you can’t escape once the boat leaves the dock.

Once we’re out there, I’m part cruise director, part accountant, part zookeeper. Keeping logs on every diver — names, times in, times out, tank pressures, air consumption — while also tracking wind, waves, and weather. It’s like babysitting a group of excited toddlers with expensive gear and a death wish.

And that boat? A 50-foot pontoon that drives like a drunken shopping cart in a wind tunnel. The sides catch so much wind it’s basically a floating kite. You so much as sneeze near the throttle, and she’s already drifting sideways toward Cuba.

Still — it beats sitting in an office or freezing in Maryland all winter. Though I will miss those snow walks and the view from Harris’ Crabhouse — warm inside, cocktail in hand, watching flakes fall over the Narrows.

To keep things interesting, on my second trip out I pre-recorded my USCG safety briefing (in full pirate voice, of course) with a special section about tipping the crew. …Because even pirates gotta get paid.

Now every trip starts with laughter, ends with cash in the jar, and the crew actually likes what the “new guy” did. That’s a win in my logbook.

Here’s to a winter spent in the sun with a kickass crew, cold drinks, warm water, and hanging out with a new cute buddy — but her intrroduction deserves a whole blog of her own. ⚓️😉